How to get rich by screwing up

Now there’s a way to make millions by being a complete failure! The trick is to convince a company’s board of directors you’re the perfect candidate they seek for CEO and to hire a good CEO employment attorney to back you up.

Before you go on on that executive job interview, it’s handy to read The Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit to refresh your memory on the intricacies of business terms. Confidently spew out those fancy words during the interview, but lean on your trusted attorney to negotiate compensation for “termination without cause,” which is a nice of way saying, “You’re fired!” He’ll argue you deserve accelerated vesting of stock options and/or a massive amount of shares when they figure out you’re worthless. Don’t worry about no self-respect or damage to your reputation. Compensation for termination without cause has become standard practice. Think of it as a severance package.

Stir clear of interviewing for companies with a corporate culture of meritocracy. You’re above pay-for-performance and require downside protection just like professional athletes and movie stars demand in their employment contracts.

Lastly, after you land that coveted executive position and you don’t know what to do, just flip a coin for guidance. Don’t worry about the consequences of your decisions. You’ve got the only get-rich-quick scheme to come with a guarantee!

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